Sometimes I hate being an educated parent.
My Mothers excuse for every mistake she made while I was growing up, was that she “didn’t know any better.” Must be nice to live in a cloud of naivety. But when you “know better”, it’s like you’re haunted by every word that leaves your mouth.
Angel on one shoulder, telling the devil on the other, that everything you are saying will have disastrous consequences…
You are gonna make them hate themselves….they’ll turn to drugs… run into the arms of the first boy who pays attention….become anorexic…hate you… AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.
But that’s only evident of MY ISSUES, not theirs.
Tonight was another learning moment…
(aside) I cannot watch Into The Woods (The theatre production or the film) without crying my eyes out… because as a parent,
I KNOW BETTER
Having a talk with my big kids about their upcoming dance in December where I plan to volunteer:
What are you going to do there?
ME: What do you mean what am I going to do? I’m going to dance!!
You will need a Winter dress…
Then my 7 yr old gorgeous little princess chimes in as she hugs me with a smile on her face-
AND YOU WILL NEED TO GET SKINNY…..
My other daughter gets angry… tells her she’s mean and she’s not supposed to say that.
She starts to cry.
I take my baby girl by the face and my voice cracks as I tell her:
“It’s okay, It’s not your fault”.
It’s not her fault that MY voice came out of her mouth….
Because those are my awful words… those negative thoughts that permeate my existence. The angry sentiments that are my internal demons only echo from her tiny lips because I put them there. And I am in tears, because I am not well and my worst fear is that they will ever have to suffer inside, like I have.
Not my gorgeous, perfect children.
But I am only human. I can only do my best. I can praise them and love them and try to teach them the importance of loving themselves. That they ARE worthy of LOVE.
But at the end of it all, I have to work more on loving ME… every moment, everyday.. If not for me, but for them…
Maybe someone can relate?
….Careful the things you say
Children will listen
Careful you do them too
Children will see