I’d like to apologize for my profanity, but Im not sorry. I am so tired of loss.This post has been something I’ve been working on for the last 3 years, when I lost a very important person to this disease. If there was a stronger word than that, I would have used it. But words can barely describe the pain that addiction can cause.
I have struggled with the anger I feel, for most of my life. I have watched many people struggle with substances in my career, (Social Services) spent countless hours-days-months trying to “save” people or help them “save” themselves. And guess what? It works sometimes. But then, it doesn’t work. The party ends, we are mortal beings. Our bodies can only take so much before they give out. It may take years or it could be one time. One ounce too much and that’s it. Life is so fragile.
I battle addiction daily. In my four years of working with the mentally ill in Ohio, I lost 5 clients. All of them gone due to some kind of issues with substance abuse. No matter how professional you are, it hurts. It hurts like hell. Some passed because even now sober, there bodies couldn’t cope. Another, the alcohol finally did his 54 year old body in. The last and most tragic, was driven to end his own suffering in a drunken fit. The last 4 years have been no different.
And now what? I gather up my thoughts and emotions. I look for the bright sides and tie up the loose ends and accept that we cannot save everyone.
Too young, too young, too young my love, my friend. Too young my client, too soon to end. I wish I couldve saved you, fix your broken heart,
I wish I couldve given you what you are lacking in your heart. The tiny missing piece that would erase the rainy days and make you understand how important you are.
I cannot teach you HOPE no matter how hard I try. I couldnt have saved you no matter how hard I tried. I dont know what you have been through, I dont feel your path. I can only see the eyes filled with dispair and try to comfort you and encourage you to find something to hold on to. Something that can keep you from drowning. And I’m sorry you were so alone, alone in a room full of people. I’m sorry I wasnt enough, and neither was she. And more sorry than ever that neither was HE.
Maybe its been too long, maybe it’s all too much. My heart aches, my head aches because I can’t change it. And I am filled with sorrow. There is no more today, or tomorrow. When it’s over it’s over, theres nothing more to give. A part of me is gone since you no longer live.
Please, if you or someone you love is struggling with addictions and/or mental health issues help them and encourage them to get help. Here are some links below to reach for support:
National Suicide Hotline: Call 1-800-273-8255 Available 24 hours everyday http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
Up 2 Us San Diego. Mental Health resourced. http://up2sd.org
SAMHSA’s National Help Line for Mental Health/Substance Abuse 24/7 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
NAMI: National alliance on Mentall Illness. Nami.org or Namisd.org